Hey Zach,
May 20th is here again, and all the memories come flooding back.
It’s funny – somehow you never feel very far away. You stay close as I travel through time without you, like a locket full of memories and feelings. You’re not a heavy burden, but a faithful companion who keeps me company on all of the crazy and wonderful adventures you left us.
It’s been five years since you died, which seems like a lot of time, but in my mind and in my heart it feels like no time at all.
I see the passing of years in our family.
Alli got married to Collin; you have a nephew named Finn and you’ll be getting another named Frank, soon (I like to think you’ve already met the little guy). Sam graduated from college, works full-time in science (bet you would’ve guessed) and lives on his own. And, Grace graduated from high school and started college last fall. She’s figuring life out and has a nose ring and a tattoo now. Their lives have moved forward.
Dad and I are different now, too. I like to be alone more, spending time with my thoughts; and Dad has learned to enjoy the simple things, like the sunrise when he visits your grave. We have grown older and a wiser. We try to focus more on what we have than what we have lost.
I see the passing of years in your friends, too.
Each holiday at church I see them walk in with their families, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancés and spouses. They aren’t 18 anymore, the age you will remain forever. They’ve grown to be men and women with careers, lives and futures to build, leaving proms, frat parties and part-time jobs in the past.
I see the passing of time in your legacy.
Remember that wall we used to walk by every time you checked into
the hospital? The one with all the people’s names who raised a bunch of money for research? Your name is on that wall now! The research fund you started has raised over $1.5 million dollars, and there is a new trial for kids who have run out of options. Because of you, Zach, these kids might have a shot at life that you didn’t.
People from all over the world still reach out to me almost every day to tell me you have changed them in big and small ways. Some say you inspired them to do simple things like look for joy in daily life; others say you inspired them to make radical changes in their lives like choose a new career path.
And, there are executives in high places in Hollywood who think your life is worth sharing on the “big screen.” Crazy. A movie about your life! Cool beans, huh Z?
A lot has happened since you died. So, it should feel like a whole lot of time has passed since you left us. But it doesn’t. Because, somehow, I still feel the warmth of your last breath on my cheek as I kissed you goodbye.
Love you, babe.
Mom